Do you feel like an impostor?

I haven't been to many talks that have really inspired me in my life. Ones that really feel like they are applicable to me. One talk that really stuck with me was when I heard Mia Farrow talk in London about her efforts in Darfur. That talk made me want to change my life.... but I didn't. Did not quit the technical track for activism. Yet I do like to think I can make some sort of impact on the world through the efforts of APO, my service fraternity.

Yet one of the panels I went to today at the Grace Hopper Celebration for Women in Computing is something that really sticks with me, and I feel like it will continue to stick. It is something I have felt my whole life-I have after called it the 'inferiority complex', but I think that the term that is used here for it is much more applicable - 'the impostor complex'.

Do you have it? Do you feel like you should not be in the role that you are? That you were put there by some chance. That every success that you made was because somebody put down the wrong name... or picked you just because you were the only female... or that it was a raffle and you got lucky. And then every failure is because you were not good enough. That everywhere you are you are afraid of getting 'found out' in that you do not know what you are talking about. That you do not deserve to be there.

This is something that has been prevailing in my life. It has to be a mistake if something is good. One of the questions that was asked at the panel was 'when was the first time you felt like an impostor'. I think I remember the feeling most strongly when I got the audition as 1st flute in 9th grade at DC Youth Orchestra. I did not comprehend that I could be there... I felt like I would get booted off and found out any time. Then there was any leadership positions... why did I get elected to that? Why? How?

The feeling has escalated out of control in the past year, ironically enough as my self confidence has grown exponentially. You go to these job interviews and talk to the amazing people around you-how can you possibly get the job if the people around you are so smart. I went to interview after interview, not believing I can do anything. As an example of Amazon, I was 100% convinced I would never hear back from them. I was shocked when I got the email about the job offer... I did not want to tell people at first in case I got another email again telling me they sent it to the wrong person. It could not be? Then I started to feel good about it only to have all of those thoughts dashed as I flew out to Seattle to look at the company and see that I was the only female in the group of acceptees. Was I accepted only because I was the only female who they interviewed? Why the heck am I here? They are going to find me out when I start working... I will be fired. Even now that I have moved out to Seattle I am afraid to make plans with money, or plans for trips or even buying myself a year membership to the climbing gym because I am afraid of being found out and ousted before that time will expire. When people compliment me on my amazing job I put it down saying 'ohhh I don't know anything, they just hired me because I am female maybe... ', or some other thought going through my head.

But then... who said I was so bad? I see the interview process from the other side now. And it is really harsh indeed. The hiring bar is high. Yet I made it. I made it over the bar. I got multiple job offers. I overcame.

The panel was amazing. It was comprised of women professors, high ups in Google and Microsoft and PhD student and some more (apologizing for my horrible memory). These women explained how they felt like impostors in their life. It is amazing hearing this from somebody so successful. So we all feel it? So it is okay? So maybe you can be good enough?

I find it hard to wrap my head around this.

But I am making this my resolution. Take on the advice that was given. Stop doubting myself. Some of the things that the women mentioned were 'act confident and you will feel confident. Also telling others about your accomplishments... they really do exist! Also diving at what I am uncomfortable at... it can be overcome.

So just a statement to everyone else out there (and pardoning my horrible writing... this is why I am a coder and not a journalist), it is normal to feel like an impostor. But it is not good-and you are not. Look at the amazing things that have happened to put you there. I know I should drink some of my own medicine here but here is to trying.

PS-The Grace Hopper Conference is amazing. Amazon has a large representation here and it was wonderful meeting these amazing women both within my company and in general. So honored to be here, and also to check out a bit of the hot weather of Arizona. =)